What I am about to say may be controversial. And I’m pretty scared to put my opinion out into the web-o-sphere because things are so easily misunderstood and turned into hateful word jabbing fights that end in people de-friending each other in facebook world (which really seems ridiculous) or actually de-friending someone in the actual friendship world. But I know that I am not alone in my thoughts, which is comforting, and I also know that the spirit in which I write is loving.
I grew up in a Nazarene family. Some of you may know what that means. Basically it means I grew up in a fairly-conservative, Protestant church. The church has roots in the holiness movement, which resulted in some strict rules about dancing and drinking, but I never felt like I was a part of some strange separatist group that was out of touch with reality. They believed that those actions/substances led to sinful lifestyles. I guess I should table that aspect of Nazarene-dom as it’s really not what I wanted to address today and it is definitely a hot-topic for my friends who can’t imagine a world without martinis and mambos.
I was blessed to grow up with parents who taught us something that I have never really learned in church, acceptance. I could say a lot about that, and I probably will in my journals, but my heart has been broken recently by the continual lack of acceptance for some of my closest friends. They are amazing people who have fed me when I’m hungry, shared their candles and rooms with me when the power was out, and given me some of the best relationship advice I could have ever asked for. They are amazing friends. They remind me of the fact that we are created in God’s image, which I believe is love. They are my family. And they are gay.
Already I’m sure that someone I went to college with (Nazarene college) is already on edge. I must be a radical because I have gay friends. Or maybe I’m gay? Maybe I’m just trying to be rebellious. If you know me, you know that I am not rebellious. I love rules. I don’t sneak into movies or keep the change if I have been given over what was due me. I’m no rebel. To add to all of that, I am the middle child. I avoid confrontation and prefer to hold my tongue most of the time.
But my heart hurts too much these days not to say something. I read a lot of opinions about homosexual relationships from varying viewpoints and I keep coming back to the one thing that has always kept me grounded, is it loving? Now I know I’m making someone nervous. And there will be those who think “hate the sin, not the sinner!” I agree with disliking sin. Sin is bad. And my understanding of sin has been shaped by many of my theologian friends and my own studies. And my understanding, which constantly changes due to my human perspective in this infinite universe, is that sin is something that separates you from the community of God. The 10 commandments were rules that were given because they are helpful to living in a loving community. If you want to love your neighbor, you can’t steal from him, covet his wife, murder him, etc. It’s something I love about the perspective I have picked up from some of my Jewish friends. The value of remembering who you are as a community and who you are growing to be. Is separating and pushing someone away because they are gay a loving way to care for those in your community?
I know it’s more complicated than that. Because there are going to be people who are uncomfortable watching 2 men hold hands or 2 women hold each other. It is not what that person is used to seeing or even wants to see. It is different. And they don’t understand it. I am the first to admit that I don’t understand what it means to be homosexual. I have always liked people of the opposite sex. I had boyfriends in preschool, long before the sexual urges of puberty set in. And I know it was not because my mom sat me down and said, “You are supposed to like boys.” I just did. And as I have gotten to know friends who are gay, they can say the same thing. So how is that wrong? Is it sinful because 2 parts of the female anatomy might rub against each other in a monogamous relationship? Or male anatomy parts? Is it sinful because they are not married? Now that is a catch-22. I know there are members of the Christian homosexual community who abstain from relationships for whatever reason. And I’ve talked with some straight, Christian friends who seem to think this is the best solution. And this breaks my heart. Most people desire to be loved by a partner. I have dated men who are black and my current boyfriend is Mexican. 50 years ago the church said that was wrong. And I know that there is some clear racial separation that occurs in the Bible. So how is it that it would be ok now with the church for me to marry a Mexican man, but 50 years ago it would not have been a “holy” union? What has changed?
My mind now drifts to the ridiculous argument that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” According to the Pentateuch (first 5 books of the Bible/Torah), God created the world with creatures that would multiply. He created male and female. And it was good. And it was and is still beautiful. Because it allowed for creation to grow. (Not getting into the evolution thing here, just so you know). This is definitely something that is important to our existence on the planet. We need reproduction. But for those who believe that love is only about reproduction, or that marriage is only sacred if it leads to children, leave out those who are born without this ability. Does this mean that they have not been created in God’s image? I don’t think that’s true. I am pretty sure that God still sees that part of creation and thinks, “Man, that is beautiful.” And I’ve known some pretty amazing families borne from adoption of children (and even pets).
And then there’s the gay marriage debate. The ever-holy-sanctity of marriage debate. (This is the part where I am really nervous). There is so much to say, but I want to break it down into the pieces that I have been thinking about recently. The kind of marriage we have in the Western world now is not in the Bible anywhere. There is no dating, engagement, courtship, marriage in a white dress, reception with dinner and dancing (or not, if you’re Nazarene :) ) in the Bible. Marriage was a business contract. It was a way to acquire goods. All you had to do was marry off your daughter and, in return, depending on how wealthy the family was, you could get an ox or several oxen (as a female that brings up a host of new conversation points, but I will try to keep on topic here). Somehow when I think of modern marriages now, especially in the Western world, I don’t think of a goat being exchanged for a woman. So when I hear Christians refer to the Biblical value of marriage, I am very confused. Because I’m not interested in the Biblical marriages I’ve read about. I have no desire to marry someone who rapes me. Or to marry my future-brother-in-law if my future husband passes and I do not bear an heir. The context of the story has been lost. And the heart of God’s purpose for us seems to be set by the wayside. God wants us to reconcile ourselves to God. For me, the process of reconciliation involves me letting down my guard to see what I have been doing before I can ask for forgiveness. For my friends who think homosexuality is a sin, they are doing themselves a disservice by coming at the homosexual community, putting them on the defensive, and then expecting honesty. No one communicates effectively that way. Why would it work when it is about something so personal? And why is that something you are concerned with? Isn’t the greatest commandment to love? The accusations seem to separate, and then my brain goes back to the definition of sin: that which separates.
I know I haven’t scratched the surface of what I’m trying to say. Perhaps I should edit myself, come back in a few days, and see what I’ve managed to put together. For the sake of my own heart, though, I think I have to give you the raw version. Which concludes as follows...
I have sat with my friends who are gay and listened to them talk about heartache, dreams, hope, forgiveness, and even God. Being gay does not mean you want to have sex with every person all the time in a way that is careless and selfish. It’s not all about sex. I didn’t fall in love with my boyfriend because I wanted to have sex with him. I fell in love with him because of who he is. There are promiscuous people in both sides of the boat. And why is promiscuity wrong? Because it separates people from the community. Carefree sexual relationships leave people emotionally damaged. Just because someone is homosexual does not imply that they are promiscuous. But even my promiscuous friends are worth loving. If they ask me for relationship advice, I encourage them not to pursue promiscuity because it is damaging. This applies to both hetero and homo sexual people. We should do everything we can to love each other. If not us, then who?
My heart hurts for my friends who love someone and feel like they have to hide it, or even that it needs to be something debated in the place that is supposed to be accepting of all, church. I cannot understand the homosexual perspective, but I want to. Because I want to get to know all parts of God’s creation. And I want to love people no matter what. I will do the loving and let the judgment rest in the One who sees it all more clearly than I ever will. I hope maybe you will try it, too. You may just find that God cares more about love than separation.
Perhaps instead of us, as Christians, thinking we need to condemn those we do not understand, we should sit with others and love them. Perhaps we should talk with people who are gay and see what they think about God or even just what they like to eat for dinner. Perhaps we should come to accept the fact that there are people who are gay, and we should love them as God does. Perhaps we should love the similarities between us and accept that there will always be differences. And I think God thinks they are beautiful.
