when actions and words don't seem to align, it makes me question everything. and my stomach starts to hurt. i don't like having this stomach ache. so maybe you could let me know what's actually true.

i really like him. and he likes me. and it makes my heart feel full of excitement and fear. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. i'm cherishing every moment and memorizing every touch.

i'm working on 2 songs in my brain at the moment. one about moving on from someone that you shouldn't be with and another about being with the person you should. kind of interesting that they are both revolving in my head at the same time. the first is nearly done in my head, which is understandable considering it's been a long time coming. the second is more intimidating because it's very scary for me to wonder what it would be like if i really had someone in my life like that.

excerpts from both:
song one: "spent so many lonely nights hopin we could get it right but all these hopes and all these dreams won't be enough for me"

song two: "i'm not quite sure i love you, but i'm pretty sure that i want to"

strange

my mind has been racing as my heart isn't quite sure what to do with itself. changes have been constant, just like heraclitus said. everything has been better lately. i have felt more myself than i have in years. it's not to say that there haven't been tough moments. but overall i have been smiling from the inside. it's unsettling because i seem to have found something that i've been looking for and i'm afraid that i will mess it up.

strange

old parts of my life are falling away, but i don't feel like i'm missing anything. or anyone...

my art on my walls

to etsy or not to etsy, that is the question

it's the little things

music makes my heart so happy. tonight i gathered with a group of friends and listened to them share what they have created and couldn’t help but think that i am blessed to know these people. the stories and styles are different, but the honesty in their art was inspiring.

after the event burritos were eaten and we went to play on the playground. swinging in a beautiful park is something that few adults do, but it’s something that i have rediscovered after working with kids. the simplicity in its movement and even the fact that you can sit side by side and have a conversation is kind of amazing.

i guess all this to say that i had a great evening.

i believe you are there

i know you are there somewhere. and i know your heart is big enough to love me. i'm just hoping that all of the mistakes of my life don't stuff my suitcase heart so full that there is not room for you when we finally meet.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. -Rainer Maria Rilke

boda lapolla

My sister is now married to this really awesome guy. I love how the photos came out and I just had to put some up.

dream about you

I dreamt about you last night. We were in college together and then you disappeared. When I went to look for you there was this party in a hallway. Lots of people knew where you lived, but you were taking a nap. I waited for you to get up. When you finally did, you walked into the party just as a tidal wave of white dust blew over us and you were gone again. This time you were gone for good. The best part about the dream is that I saw you smile at me again. I miss you. So much.

songs that make my heart happy

Disney and cool music? I'm in.

something old that you knew-- some time borrowed made you blue

Little pieces of my heart chip off when I see tears in your eyes. But I know it is nothing compared to your shattered heart that continues to break with each realization that things have changed. I wish my arms were like superglue that could wrap around you and bring the pieces back together again.

Maybe as those pieces collect over time you will be stronger in the end. In the meantime, I hope you know that you can always cry if you need to. I promise not to tell you things happen for a reason or that it will be ok. I also promise that if you need to talk about it, I am around to listen.

Also, you should know that I already think you are much stronger than you know.

someday

source: http://ourtakeonfreedom.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/love.jpg

sunshine and dri

i love this movie. it makes me think of one of my best childhood friends. she and i were very different people, but we loved each other. she exposed me to things i would have never experienced. she also taught me how to stand up for myself. oh, and how to dance to ska music... that's true friendship.

thoughts about being closer to 30

I'm getting older. We all are. It's not a deep or earth-shattering thought, I know. When I was little I used to lie about my age--I wanted to skip to the future where my problems would be all sorted out and I would know exactly who I was. I knew that I would be happy. I hoped I would be in love.

I can say that I am happy. I definitely understand who I am, but it's helpful to have others around to keep me in check for those pieces of me that make me come across differently than I would like. I've always wanted to be a kind person. I make every effort to be positive and uplifting, and then I make one sassy comment and I feel like my sandcastle of kindness was flattened by my waves of sarcasm or cruelty. Some people are very nice all of the time. I admire them. Maybe they aren't nice all the time, though. Or if they are, maybe they wish they could grab onto that sassy wave and ride it across the shore.

Life has been very challenging this year. I am still hoping to fall in love for good. I am still trying to develop consistent and healthy habits. I am still working on my grown-up self, despite my youthful knowledge of grown-up-hood. And I am understanding each day that life is a process of choosing things. I hope that my grown-up self is making smart choices.

love, true love will follow you forever

My sister got married. So this is growing up...

my hope

"So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass..." -india.arie

India's voice is a bandaid for my heart

the middle counts the most

"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

Quotation from Eat, Pray, Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

In the margin of the book I wrote "me." Thoughts?

I need a break

There are too many things pulling at me. My body has been sick for a month now as my brain is learning to sort through all of it and figure out how to make it work. I'm hoping that we put those pieces together soon. I'm running out of benadryl and cough drops.

Ila Mae

Start spreading the news
She’s got those white shoes
On a bus to the city today
She’s wearing that ring
And thinking about things
That will come now that she’s on her way

Busy streets all around
She hasn’t quite found
A friend that she can call her own
As the people pass people by
She asks herself why
No one smile and stops to say “hello”

Ila Mae, Oh Ila Mae
Wouldn’t you like to go home
Where the yellow rose blooms
And the people you knew
Know your name and where you’ve come from
Oh, Ila Mae

She packs up her things
And quietly sings an old tune that reminds her of home
As she closes that door
She’s finally sure she’ll find peace down that old dusty road

Going home, going home
She is going home

Ila Mae, Oh Ila Mae
Wouldn’t you like to go home
Where the yellow rose blooms
And the people you knew
Know your name and where you’ve come from
Oh, Ila Mae

i loved you like we were in a game
but i was playing checkers
and you were playing chess

2 New Paintings

I've finished a few paintings lately but haven't posted any photos. So, here we go. More to come as I'm feeling very inspired lately.

Rooted- Jeremiah 17:7-8






Gary Lee-

photos from macaroni club

My friend Bryan takes photos of things. And when we do Macaroni Club, he takes photos of that. Since my art was hanging during Macaroni Club, he took photos of my art. So cool! There were a couple more paintings up, but I don't have photos of those yet. The paintings that sold were "free little birds" (the brown painting with white birds) and "oliver" (the owl painting). Big thanks go out to Aaron Bowen, Bryan Heil, and Jared McCarter for being the awesome, helpful, and creative men that they are!

Art show

I will have more to say about this, but I wanted to just say how awesome it is to have my art up somewhere. And I sold 2 paintings tonight. That is also pretty amazing.

New paintings for an art show?

So I sing in a band. And every month there's this really great local art group that meets at Monica's (coffee shop in University Heights) where Katie and I sing with a bunch of other talented musicians in a room decorated by original art from local artists. It's a really amazing event every month with people collaborating, sharing, and spending time together. I mentioned to a friend that I liked to paint and he said I should hang some of my stuff. So, I am working on putting together some more pieces to hang in a month! I'm very nervous about this. Someone said it was just like singing on a stage, but it does not feel that way at all. I've been on stage probably thousands of times (for varying reasons), but I've never had anything I've painted hung in a public place. Anyway, so here's the first one that I've been working on. I wanted to add another robot to the collection. It's almost finished. (I really need to stop painting at night so that when I take photos of my art with my phone's camera you can actually see the colors correctly!)

Office

My office is all decked out with my art!

Flowers

Working on a new painting. It's not finished yet, but it's on its way.

Also, I should probably start using my digital camera to take these photos. The color is not as good on my cell phone. Shocking, I know...

Back to the sky

I spent some time alone this weekend at my sister's apartment. It was an amazing thing to spend a day without talking. I had a lot of time to think about things that are happening in my life right now. And as I drove home this evening, my heart felt safe inside my chest. I smiled when my ipod chose "Bluebird" from sara b's new album. It inspired this painting. I mean, my bird is purple and not so blue, but purple is my favorite color.

"And so here we go, bluebird
Back to the sky on your own"

Paintings for my office

I decided to paint some art for my office. It makes it feel much more cozy.

I miss Emily

She sent me this quote several years ago when I was thinking about the passing of another dear friend. They have become words that touch my heart every time I read them.

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used to. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, Let it be spoken without effort, no trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity. I am waiting for you, somewhere very near. just around the corner. All is well.
-- Henry Scott Holland 1847 - 1918
Canon of St Paul's, London

warm and fuzzy tshirts

So, at an open mic the other night, my lovely friend Thea requested that another friend, Lauren, and I draw on her shirt. So we did. And then Lauren asked me to draw on her shirt. So the tree one is the one Lauren and I collaborated on and the umbrella was the one I did on my own. It was a really fun night.

home is wherever I'm with me

I painted something new. I have painted several trees before, but usually they had a bird or two to keep them company. I don't really think much about why I paint what I paint. Mostly because I'm not a professional artist and have very limited skills in this department.

I have always loved arts and crafts. I used to sit and color as a child while my brother and sister took their naps. My mom didn't force me to nap. I didn't like it or need it, and I would keep myself occupied as long as there were pages to color and crayons to choose from. (I just ended a sentence with a preposition). Anyway, so when I started painting recently it was a result of a break-up. He was and is an artist, and the trips to art stores made me wonder what I could do if I bought some paint for myself. Adding to those experiences was the growing desire for me to connect with something that my friend Emily used to love to do when she was alone.

I'm not very good at being alone. I'm a pretty independent person. I like shopping by myself and I don't really like for people to tell me how to do things. But when it comes to just sitting in my apartment when I get home from work, I get a bit lonely. I used my last relationship as a distraction to avoid dealing with this inability to accept myself as myself, outside of my identity as a "girlfriend" or "sister" or "daughter" or "friend." I think a lot of who we are is shaped by our relationships, but there is something within us that is also truly us. It's what makes us unique. In Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert talks a bit about an experience she had in Italy where her friends had to pick a word to describe themselves. She offered "writer," to which her friend stated that it was something she did, not who she was. I find myself feeling a bit like she did. I'm not in any kind of existential crisis. I think I am actually just learning to accept myself for myself. Whether this means I am single, in a relationship, happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc., I am who I am (not to quote Popeye or anything...).

All this to say that when I painted this tree today I was tempted to add a bird or something. The tree felt a little lonely on its own. But I didn't. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like this tree might be what I need to see in the morning when I wake up. It's strong in its isolation. It's rooted to something deeper. And it's blossoming into something beautiful. Maybe, it's just like me.

Eat, Pray, Love

So I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love right now. I had purchased this book for Emily the Christmas before she passed away. She and I often bought each other books, read them, and then exchanged them so we could discuss them together. She loved this book. She said she felt like she could identify with some of the thoughts, struggles, revelations, and experiences that Gilbert describes throughout the memoir. So when I was never able to discuss the book with Emily, I thought I would never get around to it. Then the movie came out and reminded me that I should read the book. I refused to see the movie until I had read it first. But when I was bored on Saturday and found myself staring at the Red Box screen, I decided I would watch it. I had heard that people weren't thrilled by the movie, so I had low expectations. I'm not sure if it's the emotional connection with this story that made me love it or if I just liked it for itself, but I found myself crying several times during the movie and at one point had to pause it to take a breather. The story was moving and the insight that the narrator of the movie inspired me to think about some things in my life that I'd been stuffing into the corners like dirty laundry.

Needless to say, I went and bought the book the next day and have had several opportunities to sit and read it. It's easy to read so I could blow through it, but for some reason I feel like I need to think about her story and not just treat it as if I'm reading it for entertainment value alone.

There have been several moments in the book that have caused me to stop and reread them to make sure I'm grasping the totality of her statements. Here's a quotation from the book that I underlined:

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

It is too easy to do just that in relationships. I think I need to be really content with being single for a while to ensure that when I am in another relationship that I am in it for the right reasons.

I'm sure there will be more to come on this book. I'm not sure anyone even reads this. I guess I write about things because I need to put them somewhere. And sometimes my journal doesn't seem like the right place.

memories and such

I recently went on a trip to visit my parents and some extended family in Oklahoma City. Well, technically we were in Yukon. It's typical Oklahoma- very flat with minimal traffic on the streets. My parents recently moved to the house they are currently living in and my mom announced "Look at the llamas!" every time we drove down the street that led to their house. She also liked to ask whether we thought they were cute when we saw them. I think they look like hairier camels and my cousin would mention that llamas spit. I'm not an expert on llamas, but I certainly do not want to be spit on, so I will keep my distance. Needless to say it was a change of scenery. My apartment is surrounded by other apartments and the only animals I see are cats and dogs (though I did see a goat in the alley a couple of months ago).

The day after Christmas my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and I all piled into the Buick for a trip to Tulsa to visit my grandma. She is currently living in a retirement community and needs quite a bit of medical assistance these days. Prior to my trip I was worried that I would not get to see her again before she passed away. When we arrived at the clinic, people were eating dinner. After perusing the cafeteria, we discovered that grandma was not feeling well. We walked down the long hallway and found her sleeping in her bed. My grandma has a host of medical issues, but emphysema seems to be the most problematic at the moment as her body will not process oxygen, causing her to have less energy and her muscles not to receive the oxygen they need to function well. The nurses explained that it's typical for this kind of issue to cause one to eventually fall asleep and not wake up again. I suppose it's not a painful way to die.

My grandma is also struggling mentally. She has dementia. I did not know what to expect when we woke her up. My mom visits her more often and explained that sometimes she is lucid and other times it is difficult to communicate with her. Grandma recognized everyone and explained she was not feeling well. She began to talk to my brother about his marriage and life and then mentioned that my grandpa had not been around for a while. My mother then interjected to explain that he passed away 15 years ago. My grandma's face froze for a moment, then she raised her eyebrows and mustered up the strength to ask "Why can't I remember that?" I had to avert my eyes because the idea of forgetting such pivotal moments in my own life is frightening to me. It's sad to think that the love of my grandma's life has been gone that long and that there are moments in the day when she wonders why he is not by her side.

I'm not sure why I am writing this right now. I do know that when I think about my future, I hope that I have the kinds of memories worth retelling to grandchildren when I am too old to stand on my own. Memories are powerful in that they provide the timeline for our lives. Looking back in my family's past, it is amazing to see how things have changed. I have never and will never live on a small farm with 14 brothers and sisters, but the stories I have heard and the pictures I see when I close my eyes make me feel like I'm not so alone in all of this. For whatever reason.