I recently went on a trip to visit my parents and some extended family in Oklahoma City. Well, technically we were in Yukon. It's typical Oklahoma- very flat with minimal traffic on the streets. My parents recently moved to the house they are currently living in and my mom announced "Look at the llamas!" every time we drove down the street that led to their house. She also liked to ask whether we thought they were cute when we saw them. I think they look like hairier camels and my cousin would mention that llamas spit. I'm not an expert on llamas, but I certainly do not want to be spit on, so I will keep my distance. Needless to say it was a change of scenery. My apartment is surrounded by other apartments and the only animals I see are cats and dogs (though I did see a goat in the alley a couple of months ago).
The day after Christmas my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and I all piled into the Buick for a trip to Tulsa to visit my grandma. She is currently living in a retirement community and needs quite a bit of medical assistance these days. Prior to my trip I was worried that I would not get to see her again before she passed away. When we arrived at the clinic, people were eating dinner. After perusing the cafeteria, we discovered that grandma was not feeling well. We walked down the long hallway and found her sleeping in her bed. My grandma has a host of medical issues, but emphysema seems to be the most problematic at the moment as her body will not process oxygen, causing her to have less energy and her muscles not to receive the oxygen they need to function well. The nurses explained that it's typical for this kind of issue to cause one to eventually fall asleep and not wake up again. I suppose it's not a painful way to die.
My grandma is also struggling mentally. She has dementia. I did not know what to expect when we woke her up. My mom visits her more often and explained that sometimes she is lucid and other times it is difficult to communicate with her. Grandma recognized everyone and explained she was not feeling well. She began to talk to my brother about his marriage and life and then mentioned that my grandpa had not been around for a while. My mother then interjected to explain that he passed away 15 years ago. My grandma's face froze for a moment, then she raised her eyebrows and mustered up the strength to ask "Why can't I remember that?" I had to avert my eyes because the idea of forgetting such pivotal moments in my own life is frightening to me. It's sad to think that the love of my grandma's life has been gone that long and that there are moments in the day when she wonders why he is not by her side.
I'm not sure why I am writing this right now. I do know that when I think about my future, I hope that I have the kinds of memories worth retelling to grandchildren when I am too old to stand on my own. Memories are powerful in that they provide the timeline for our lives. Looking back in my family's past, it is amazing to see how things have changed. I have never and will never live on a small farm with 14 brothers and sisters, but the stories I have heard and the pictures I see when I close my eyes make me feel like I'm not so alone in all of this. For whatever reason.
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