New

It's almost a new year. Time for new experiences and dreams. Time for new paths and valleys. Time for smiles and laughter. Time for tears. Time to realize that this all happens one step at a time and that if you've got good company, the time really flies by.

More robots!

It's like a robot invasion. I really need to get some better photos of these. The color is not quite right in my cell phone camera.

Robot with 2 balloons

I was thinking robots, and I did one! What do you think?

Next paintings....

I'm thinking robots... or things inspired by lyrics...

Whatever I choose, it's going to be fun.


I need more paint!

new bird

Acrylic on canvas I bought at Target a long time ago...

Bluebird

Word came through in a letter,
One of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who, since I usually do,
Not send letters to me that are mine.

Told you I saw this coming,
That I'd practically packed up my things.
Was glad at the time that I'd said I was fine but,
All honesty knows, I wasn't ready, no.

And so here we go bluebird,
Back to the sky on your own.
Oh let him go bluebird,
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go.

This pair of wings worn and rusted,
Like a carnival ride in the rain.
They can carry me swear to be,

Sturdy and strong but see,
Turning them on still causes me pain.

Leave my love in a letter,
Went to the bes on your side.
Fine gathered my things, I'll make the best of these wings,
And me and my bird take to the sky.

And so here we go bluebird,
Gather your strength and rise up.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go...

Tulips

So I wanted to paint some flowers, but I'm not a very skilled painter. I mean, this is really the first time in my life I've painted stuff... aside from when I was little and I used to paint with watercolors and throw salt on them so it would make little star-like shapes in the paint. Anyway, so I decided tulips would be the best choice because they are the easiest to paint. I like it.

Birds

I love birds. And it's cool that my friends do too, because I painted these for them.


This one is for Kat.










This one is for Steve, also known as Bill Cardinal.

Day of the Dead

It's Day of the Dead, so I wanted to paint something inspired by that.


My sister liked them so much she bought them from me. HA!

Umbrellas

For some reason I'm kind of obsessed with big umbrellas. The inspiration for these paintings was my friend Emily. She had these green boots that she loved. There's also this amazing photo that Kelsey took too of her when they were in Europe where she's holding an umbrella. I thought it'd be fun to paint something that reminded me of her. So, here are the umbrellas.


Veronika's Umbrella








This one is mine.









Thea's Umbrella








I painted this one for Thea. She asked about my first one, so I painted another one for her to take.



Betty's Umbrella








This one has no home yet.

Painting

I have been painting a lot lately. It's been very cathartic for me. I will post photos of what I have so far.



A painting I did for Jackie and Dale's new apartment.








This one is in my sister and Brandon's apartment. It's called "Strong Enough."

My Bowl of Oranges

"But if the world could remain within a frame
Like a painting on a wall
Then I think we'd see the beauty then
And stand staring in awe

At our still lives posed
Like a bowl of oranges
Like a story told
By the fault lines and the soil"
(from Bright Eyes' "Bowl of Oranges")

Today I woke up with tears in my eyes. Bad dreams have a way of starting the day off wrong. And I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling for a bit before I decided that I would call a friend or two to see if anyone could talk. I was really happy when a friend showed up and we spent the day running errands, laughing, and hanging awesome posters in his new office.

And it was a good day, despite what I might have anticipated. This song somehow stuck with me all day and it's become even more meaningful. Isn't it amazing that music can do that?

today's thoughts....

You can never step into the same river; for new waters are always flowing on to you.
-Heraclitus

I'm in one of those seasons of my life when things are shifting again. These are always unnerving times because so much of change seems uncertain. I suppose I have some control as to what I choose to do to make things different and how I can respond during these daily alterations, but the outcome is beyond me. It's frightening because I'm not sure it will be what I've planned or wanted in my life; yet I've also learned that every time these changes have happened before, I've ended up in a new place with new hopes and dreams.

I'm excited for the new, but frustrated with all of the things and people who have walked away without any indication that my place in their life was anything but time spent. I hope I never make anyone feel like that. I cherish my friends with my whole heart and while time, distance, or circumstance might make it difficult to be a part of their lives, I will never knowingly walk away without explanation. That might be the most unloving choice someone could make.

It's Monday morning and there is a lot to do today. Here's a song that will be on my playlist while I work... My suitcase heart is ready for something new.


It's the second September I have known you
Four years or so ago, I rode a pony, called him "Truth"
We didn`t know the way so it took us till today to get here

And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home

I can remember when I first saw you
You said in my photograph I looked more far away
I laughed and smiled and didn't say "I am a bit afraid to be here."

Setting free the anchor and looking past the shore
It's a sea of horses on ships with no sails, no motors, no oars

Now we're cleaning the windows between us two
Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon
the fingerprints and dust...
But I've begun to trust the view here.

New Sara B cd = love

This made me teary-eyed as I was driving today.


I never meant to be the one to let you down
If anything, I thought I saw myself going first
I didn't know how to stick around
How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night
And the conversation breaking up the mood
I didn't want to tell you you were right
Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies
But the truth is you've been hiding from it too
I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes
Saying everything no words could ever do

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Is anybody listening?
'Cause I'm crying
Is anybody listening?

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

sand in my sheets

This evening I have been moved by the loss of a friend's sister. She passed away a week or so ago and as I look over the messages of comfort and hope that were given to her family, I am left with tears in my eyes. It is not the first time her passing has had this effect on me, but I felt impelled to write about it as I sit in my big red chair.

I believe that we are not lost in death, but the sadness of being here without someone we love is tragic. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a sister. The loss of two close friends has taken me to the depths of sadness, and I have no idea what it would do to me if I lost Katie. The idea takes my breath away.

Our lives are fragile. This seems obvious and possibly contrived, but I don't think it diminishes the truth behind the statement. Sometimes it feels overwhelming to realize how little control we have over our mortal lives. But I have hope that we are more than corporeal. And I do my best to take the moments that seem like sand slipping through my fingers and grip them until all that is left are traces in the crevices of my hands. With the grains that fall through my fingers, I will do my best to make castles that make my heart smile when I close my eyes and remember. And I will hope for the moments when I find sand in my sheets that reminds me of those moments that are often washed away in the ocean of time.

Till we have faces excerpt

"When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?" (C.S. Lewis)

prints

(This is a poem I wrote a while ago and ran across again. I still like it.)

it's so easy to sit and stare at white walls
pierced by empty nails
that once held gifts you gave freely
and not miss the hands that gave more than prints.
but, sometimes, when it's late
and the nails seem like voids,
i can remember
the way
your eyes
pierced my heart
as you handed them over,
the "little-somethin-that-made-you-think-of-me."
(a tear and smile appear
simultaneously.)

those empty nails have held heavy memories
soon to be replaced with prints i make myself
(because my heart can't take any more smudges)
as i take hold of the hammer
and make this place my home,
i stand back and smile...
perfectly level.

Happy Birthday Emily

Today is Emily's birthday. I might have bought her a new bracelet or ring. I definitely would have taken her to get gelato and cappuccinos in Little Italy. Those things are not possible, though. It's very sad, but I know that if she were here she'd put her face near mine and say "don't be sad, my dear." So I am doing my best to keep my steps light. Anyway, here's something I came across that reminded me of her today.

Gray or Blue (Jaymay lyrics)

These caught me today. Had to share them.
Paz.



I feel so helpless now, my guitar is not around
And I'm struggling with the xylophone to make these feelings sound
And I'm remembering you singing and bringing you to life
And It's raining out the window and today it looks like night

You haven't written to me in a week I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss
I watched you very closely I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say

But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face
I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes
I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake
And he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time

I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk
And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk
And I want to know it all but I'm giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it, shake it


Charmin, crazy eyes have you are they gray or blue,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I won't make the move
you must make the move
if you make the move
I will then approve
if you do not move
we will surely lose

Don't second guess your feelings you were right from the start
And I notice she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart
This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous if we do not take whats ours

And I'm winning you with words because I have no other way
I'd love to look into your face without your eyes turning away
Last night I watched you sing because a person has to try
And I walked home in the rain because a person cannot lie

Just so you know

i would wait for you
'til my hair starts turning gray
because you're worth it

and you can just be
yourself and walk beside me
'til you know for sure

that this would be right,
that your hand is meant for mine,
that we can be more

than merely best friends.
that we can spend forever
figuring this out.

Hope floats

I'm smiling from the inside. I keep closing my eyes and I feel like I'm floating. It makes me think of that movie "Hope Floats" (guilty pleasure) and one quote from the movie comes to mind. "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."

I have big hopes.

lost and found

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and the disparity between my current self and the person I want to be. I've always believed that life is a process and that while it's important, especially for people who believe in God, to have a goal or direction, it's also important to experience each moment in our becoming.

I wasn't sure whether I would say anything publicly (not that this is very public-- I'm not sure anyone even reads this) about my current relationship status, which is single, but I'm experiencing one of those moments right now when all I can think to do is write about how I'm feeling. I secretly envy my friends who write who are able to throw their thoughts onto paper in such beautiful prose without getting into the drama or seemingly unimportant details of their lives. I am realizing that I will never write that way. And I'm ok with that, I think. So, here's what I've been thinking.

I lost myself. He blames me for the lack of progress in his life but says he's not blaming me. But it feels that way when I'm the reason he's been stuck. And, as I reflect on all of it, I realize I've become a lesser version of myself for him. And not because he asked me to. It was my choice to try and be something I wasn't. But the truth is, I'm not sure I ever really loved him. Because how do you really love someone if you aren't loving yourself. Because how do your love yourself if you aren't actually being yourself?

It wasn't like I decided instantly that I wasn't going to be me. It was little things. Him telling me that I wasn't thin enough. My hair wasn't the right color. I didn't pick the right movies. And before I knew it, I was so afraid of the comment that he might make that I lived my life on medium.

So here are the things I'm rediscovering about myself. And I hope I never forget them. (And if there are any friends that read this that see me doing this for someone, please remind me to read this.)

I like to have fun and can be funny sometimes. I like to go out and be out. I like to read books in the park. I like to go for walks by myself and with friends. I like to dance like an idiot. I like my hair color the way it is. I like when people show up when they say they will be there. And I like when guys tell me things they like about me (and it's not selfish to want to hear nice things sometimes). I love God and rest in the hope of grace and forgiveness. Things don't always happen for a reason, but we can make reason out of things that happen.

There are so many more things that I am re-learning. But that's a start. And in the meantime, I still love the following lyrics:

""That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to definewhat you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time" (Alanis)

new

Each day and moment bring the possibility for change. And with that possibility comes the promise of new experiences.

I am anxious about this. Because I miss people and things sometimes, even if I shouldn't.

But I trust that I am wise enough, and loved enough by people around me, that I will have positive experiences in these moments. And when they aren't positive, that I will be able to turn to people who love me, shrug, and keep on moving.

Possibility

There's been so much going on lately that it's hard to know where to start. And I shouldn't be writing right now because I'm at work. But I'm stuck with a quotation from a cheesy movie in my head and I felt like I just needed to post it here so I can feel like I've done something with it. It's from "You've got mail" and I think it sums up how I'm feeling today. I may need a bottle of wine and this movie tonight.

Frank: What about you, is there someone else?
Kathleen Kelly: No. No, but... but there's the dream of someone else

Anais Nin

So, I've been reading one of the diaries of Anais Nin. Emily told me I would love her writing and I'd neglected to follow up on it until recently. And I just need to say one thing about it. I think her writing is what it's like to make love to your soulmate (and I don't even believe in soulmates). I can't write more about it right now. But I'll leave you with my favorite quote of the day from her:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Love love love her.

A poem for Emily

It's almost been a year since Emily was taken by tragedy. I wrote this a while ago. She was an amazing person. Needless to say I miss her.


You died on a Saturday
While I held a drink in my hand
You held an ipod
I was drinking in liquids to fill myself up
You were overflowing with something non-alcoholic
But equally intoxicating to you, my friend, the dancer.
Your steps were light on the street
Because while some carry heavy feet, weighted by all their pain and sorrow,
Your feet barely touched the ground, empty of the day’s idle concerns.
It’s not that you didn’t feel them—
But when you moved to the ambient noise of traffic
And the haunting voice of Thom
Your cares that were like boulders
Became like pumice stones— transparent and light enough to carry.
Your feet knew they needed to move,
To float above the ground—lifted by your hope for complete joy.
While my feet were swinging
As I sat in that chair
My feet knew to keep moving
Because they needed to be prepared.
To run—run to or from life.
My feet stopped swinging as my ears heard that ringtone
(the one that made you smile with half of your mouth).
My mouth forgot how to move as ears heard that your feet were still.
My feet knew to pick up where they’d left off—
Giving me a running start—
Hoping to run fast enough to travel back in time.
But my heart couldn’t take it— all the running—
Because how can you run with a broken heart?
My cement-filled shoes slowed me down,
my knees gave out.
I hit the ground
hard.
My voice was stifled by the boulders on my chest.
So, my prayers (which were more like screams)
were mere gasps for air.
And I knew you would have understood what each one meant.
Breath one, "it can't be real"
Breath two, "it can't be real"
Breath three, "stop it. it can't be real."
Breath four, "help. i need a miracle."
The prayers kept coming until I felt everything shift.

And you were gone.

big things are coming

I am thankful for all of my friends. I know I'm blessed by the many people who are in my life who inspire me to be more than ordinary. I hope I inspire them.

Today I bought dandelions to put in my room. I have decided that I will treat myself to flowers every now and then. It will give me something pretty to look at when reading or writing or playing piano in my room. They make me smile and that's always a good thing.

New Blog

This will be the location of my new blog. I had one in college that I had recently started updating, but I wanted something new. It's a new year. I have new goals/dreams/perspectives. So, here we go.

This is a poem that I had posted on my other blog. I think it's a good way to start this one.


When I was 4 I wanted to be Cinderella-
to dance in glimmering gowns with the Prince who would rescue me
and we would have our moment under the stars
as I hummed in his ear, "so this is love."
But 4 was more than 2 decades ago
and while I know that love makes me want to hum and dance
I'm not careless enough to think that a Prince will sweep me up
or that there will be a slipper made just for me.
Don't get me wrong.
I believe in love
I believe in the love that you dig deep for,
like the last ten cents you need to buy a slurpee on the hot day,
the kind your eyes are made for,
like the moonlight on the rooftops
It's beautiful because it's real
and
It changes you.
And unlike fanciful childhood Disney dreams,
this love is chosen--
the magic is not something you slip your foot into
the magic is the moments that you realize the song you're singing is brand new
and the dancing doesn't hurt your feet
(even in those ridiculously tall shoes)
and your Prince is no more than the one who brushes the hair off your face,
knows all the dance steps,
and hums the harmony.