lost and found

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and the disparity between my current self and the person I want to be. I've always believed that life is a process and that while it's important, especially for people who believe in God, to have a goal or direction, it's also important to experience each moment in our becoming.

I wasn't sure whether I would say anything publicly (not that this is very public-- I'm not sure anyone even reads this) about my current relationship status, which is single, but I'm experiencing one of those moments right now when all I can think to do is write about how I'm feeling. I secretly envy my friends who write who are able to throw their thoughts onto paper in such beautiful prose without getting into the drama or seemingly unimportant details of their lives. I am realizing that I will never write that way. And I'm ok with that, I think. So, here's what I've been thinking.

I lost myself. He blames me for the lack of progress in his life but says he's not blaming me. But it feels that way when I'm the reason he's been stuck. And, as I reflect on all of it, I realize I've become a lesser version of myself for him. And not because he asked me to. It was my choice to try and be something I wasn't. But the truth is, I'm not sure I ever really loved him. Because how do you really love someone if you aren't loving yourself. Because how do your love yourself if you aren't actually being yourself?

It wasn't like I decided instantly that I wasn't going to be me. It was little things. Him telling me that I wasn't thin enough. My hair wasn't the right color. I didn't pick the right movies. And before I knew it, I was so afraid of the comment that he might make that I lived my life on medium.

So here are the things I'm rediscovering about myself. And I hope I never forget them. (And if there are any friends that read this that see me doing this for someone, please remind me to read this.)

I like to have fun and can be funny sometimes. I like to go out and be out. I like to read books in the park. I like to go for walks by myself and with friends. I like to dance like an idiot. I like my hair color the way it is. I like when people show up when they say they will be there. And I like when guys tell me things they like about me (and it's not selfish to want to hear nice things sometimes). I love God and rest in the hope of grace and forgiveness. Things don't always happen for a reason, but we can make reason out of things that happen.

There are so many more things that I am re-learning. But that's a start. And in the meantime, I still love the following lyrics:

""That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to definewhat you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time" (Alanis)