No you didn't

Today as I sat and ate lunch on the campus where I work, I overheard two male college students discussing the upcoming election. One of the guys was on a diatribe about the media and how he had found the "real" answers via some "unbiased" media outlet. I was doing everything I could to ignore this conversation. I was listening to my dad talk about the steps he is taking to help immigrants to approach legal immigration and to assist lawyers in learning this process; such good work. The contrasting conversation at the table behind me was distracting, though. Ask anyone who knows me and you'll discover that I have a hard time staying on track in public places- I get distracted by the people around me.

I was able to focus for most of what my dad conveyed. I am so proud of the work he is doing. But as he spoke, the young man behind me said, "it's the oldest trick in the book, to say that you've been sexually assaulted and get attention for it. I mean, why wait 10 years?" As he laughed and rubbed the pretend tears out of his eyes he mocked, "I was touched and now I'm sad."

Instantly my hands began to shake and my heart starting pounding. I wanted to turn around and tell him to stop talking or go somewhere else. I wanted to tell him that he should consider that he's in a public place before making a mockery of someone's trauma, especially in a college that has more women than men. That matters, considering one in five women are sexually assaulted while in college.

I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was my friend in my own apartment when I was 25. Despite the fact that I was first grabbed, cat-called, and chased when I was seven, it took years to admit that I had been raped. It took even longer to realize that it was not my fault. Thankfully no one ever responded to my experience with "no you didn't." No one ever asked me what I was wearing. No one accused me of wanting it. No one asked why I hadn't shared it before or doubted it because years had passed. Because my friends know that these are not helpful questions.

The type of accusation this young man was making about this woman is part of the reason that so many refuse to share their trauma. I am fortunate that the man who did this to me is not running for president; if he were, I might feel compelled to share my story. I'm thankful that I don't have to do this: it's enough to just have experienced it.

To hear a victim share the painful parts of their life means that they are opening up wounds that may never heal. Questioning the motivation behind the sharing does nothing to address violence against women in our culture. I bet this young man would have something else to say if it were his sister or future daughter confessing to these experiences. Someday it might be his wife who confesses to an experience like this. Will he deny her truth?

Regardless of political affiliation, to reduce the complicated structure of politics to media frenzy being controlled by "agenda," especially as it relates to sexual assault experiences, is to deny that the stories being told are more than just news issues for these women. She does not need you to believe her for it to be true. She has felt what is like to have her body be exploited. She will never forget what that hand felt like up her skirt. She will never forget what those words felt like in front of all of those watching eyes. She will never forget the way it felt to be powerless. To deny her story is to deny her human experience.

I bet she wished that her experience was fictional; I know I do.